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Chapter 1 – Some days, I lose it.

(Mum Confessions is a collection of experiences shared by real mothers living in Singapore. We hope this series sheds some light on what motherhood can be like behind all the picture perfect social media posts.)

Some days, I lose it.

Being a mum, takes a lot. A lot of patience, a lot of tolerance, a lot of sacrifices, a lot of time, a lot of giving, a lot of grace, a lot of ourselves and then more. Nobody that is not a mother, can ever imagine the weight on my mum-shoulders, and I don’t expect them to.

All I ask, is that nobody judge me when I lose it.

After a long day at work, with back to back to meetings, a temper-throwing 3 year old in a massive melt down is the last thing I want to deal with. On most nights, I entice him to climb into bed with promises of 3 stories (“long stories ok?”, he likes to remind me during our negotiation) and 3 songs. Tonight, I just could not find a drop of patience.

“GET INTO BED RIGHT NOW!”, I yelled, regretting it almost immediately as his cries got 100x louder.

At this point, he was hysterical. Full on melt down, rolling on the bedroom floor, sounding out the words “mummy don’t love me” in between sobs.

Normally, I would have soften up by this point, picked him up and cuddled him till he calms down. But instead, I started yelling out things that probably aggravated him further and the more he cried, the angrier I was getting.

“NO MORE PLAYING AFTER 9PM! NO MORE TOYS! I WILL THROW ALL YOUR TOYS AWAY!”

I was pissed.

It wasn’t that I don’t love him. I do, but trying to be the socially perfect mum, takes so much restraint and effort. Today, I simply had none left.

I ignored his cries, switching off the bedroom lights and went under the covers. I can hear him, whimpering and sniffling.

“Mummy don’t care about me anymore…”

“Mummy don’t love me…”

“Mummy don’t want me anymore…”

Eventually, after 30 minutes of periodic crying and mumbling, me pretending im asleep, he gave up and crawled into bed, next to me, snuggled against my back and went to sleep.

I felt so bad. I wanted so much to tell him that I am sorry. Today, I was not at my best. I was unable to deal with him in the way he wanted me to and I let him down. His words, so full of hurt, hurt me too. I love him more than I have ever loved anything, much more than I love myself. This is where my mum-guilt and self-hate creeps in.

I feel guilty for losing it and worse thing is how critical I can be, to myself.

Being a mum, takes a lot. Today it took a lot of tears, a lot of guilt and a lot of strength to pull myself together.

Tomorrow I will try harder, that is the only thing I can do. That is the truth about motherhood.

#mumlife #mumconfessions #youarenotalone